Well this past week I have been grappling with the fact that my adorable Bear dog, who is featured in the photos from my previous post, is nearing the end of her life. The sadness that is welling up in me is so unbelievably large! In fact I've been wanting to journal about it since last Thursday and every time I try I can't see through my tears so I just stop and do something else. Even this post has taken me all day to get this far. So here's the scoop: Bear had a grand mal seizure last Thurs at 4 am, we noticed a little paralysis but nothing major. The vet came later that day, gave us some medicine for her and she improved tremendously. We were hopeful that maybe we had a couple more months with her. Then Monday morning, I was talking to my friend on the phone, Bear was sleeping on the floor and Ella was there playing with her horses. Bear stood up started drooling and biting the air. Then she went stiff, fell over and went into another grand mal seizure. I was stunned, hung up the phone, and tried to comfort both my seizing dog and my scared daughter. This is not a scene I ever want to experience again.

Now I was faced with the realization that the medicine isn't making Bear better and that I'm going to have to explain death to my 4 year old and it involves her favorite dog. And the whole reason she was home from preschool on that day was because she had a stuffy nose and wasn't feeling good to begin with. The vet gave us yet another medicine to control Bear's seizures, so again I was feeling somewhat hopeful but I knew the end was coming sooner than I wanted to admit.

Well all was going well until today. Ruthie had her 15 month check up today(9/27), so we were gone for about 2 hours to that because her doctor's office is slower than molasses in January. When we returned, Bear was sitting kinda weird in the entry way. Then I noticed the drool that completely covered one side of her face and I knew she had just had a seizure. After damning everything I rushed Ruthie back to her crib in hopes that she would continue her screaming induced sleep that she had been in since receiving her 2 shots at the pediatrician's office. And fortunately she did sleep for a little while. Then I rushed back to Bear. The fact that she couldn't stand up confirmed my suspicion that she had just come out of a seizure. I tried so hard to get her to stand up and get some water, but she just couldn't get up on her back legs, so I sat down beside her and just sobbed. After a few minutes of rubbing her I thought I needed to call Dr. Lash and let her know what was going on. So I did and I had to leave a voicemail, which I am absolutely certain made no sense and couldn't possibly be understood through my shaky and sobbing voice. When I hung up Bear tried to stand again and that was when I realized I could use a towel as a sling and help her to go outside. I knew that was where she wanted to go. So out we went and Caelie was very concerned when she saw us approach off the deck. She came over and sniffed Bear as if to say, "How can I help?" It was quite the sight to see me walking around using a towel to hold up one dog and another dog just quietly walking on the other side.

Ok I just can't finish this right now.

Updated:10/18/06
It has been almost a month since Bear had her first seizure and it saddens me so much that she is no longer here with us. After her 3rd and last seizure we decided that each time they were getting worse and she was hurting more, they were becoming more frequent, and the medicines were just not working. So Thursday 9/28/06 at 7:35 pm. Bear died peacefully in my arms. I still tear up thinking about that decision and especially that last moment with her, but I know it was best for her and I will always cherish my memories of her. The pain is still too raw to do a scrapbook page of her, but one will be posted as soon as I can.